A Lucid Mind - Bipolar, Photographs, Life, Blogs and eBay

GrahamsBlog lives on-The Bipolar and Depression Blog

Hell, I never thought leaving GrahamsBlog to die would be so hard. I have been sent a number of emails asking why on earth would I want to close it down. Even after not really attending to it for so many months.

Since I have been concentrating on ImJustCreative, I have found that it was not really appropriate for me to talk about such personal thoughts and feelings to do with Mental Health, Bipolar and Depression. There are people who frown upon this, and as ImJustCreative, is my freelance venture, I needed to compartmentalize the professional from the personal to a degree.

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I would be most greatful if you could help support me get back on my feet and subscribe again to my new site over at ImJustCreative.

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This Blog has now moved to: www.ImJustCreative.com

Please visit ImJustCreative for all future posts and updates. This Blog will now be left and will not be updated.

This Blog has now moved to: www.ImJustCreative.com

Subscribe to ImJustCeative
I have set up Feedburner and RSS subscriptions already or you can just subscribe here.

 

Here I will be talking about Life, Design, Web, Bipolar and other nausious things.
Its GrahamsBlog on natural remedies.

All previous posts on GrahamsBlog have been imported to ImJustCreative so you, should you desire, can update or relink to any posts you like. As way of establishing this new URL, I will be re-posting some select prior posts, so apologies in advance of you think I am being lazy...

Start of the End of GrahamsBlog

I have now finally made the switch to Wordpress. The contents of this Blog the archives etc are now located at imjustcreative.com

Here I will be taking over from GrahamsBlog, really just a rebrand for a new beginning after such a horrid year. There will be more focus on creativity-life and design.
The design of the Blog itself is in its infancy, based on the brilliant K2 theme, from the author of the famous default Wordpress Kubrick theme. I have only just started playing with the theme so it will always be in transition I looked at many themes, but high quality themes, that sit well with me, are not that common. Im fussy.

I will placing select ads on this site, due to the fact that money does need to be earnt, but I will be very selective about the style and visual effectivness of them, I am trying not to sell my soul.

If you want to follow me then please be aware that all saved bookmarks etc will no longer work with the new site. They will still link here, this site will still stay up and running for a while, but not forever.

PREVIOUS FRIENDS & LINKED BUDDIES: For all my friends from months ago who helped and supported me, either through linking, comments etc then I would love to have you come and visit the new site. Please update your Blog Roll links if you can. Lots of positive changes this year and some positive projects on the horizon, I am getting evolved with other Blogs, setting up new ones: Time4Balance, creating new themes and contributing to existing well established Blogs like Upstart Blogger.

imjustcreative.com is a front for my freelance design company.

This TypePad Blog now moving to WordPress Hosted solution

Although I have been quite on Grahamsblog.com front, I have been far from as quiet generally.

I have infact been avery busy indeed. Getting to grips with various other Blog platforms including the brilliant Square Space, Movable Type and WordPress.org also in creating my own themes and sites with CSS, XHTML etc. There are big plans in the pipeline, some are already in the pipe.

I have thrown a lot of time and energy into a new site, which has moved from Typepad blog to a self-hosted Wordpress installation. The template has been dramatically changed and enhanced.

The Cardinal Blog Blogging Sin - Blog Cruelty

Yep, I have sinned.

Simply, not keeping my blog updated with posts. Am surprised I still have people subscribed, although these are only email subs so when they get a this new update they will nodoubt have trouble remembering who I am.

Cesare Pavese - "At great periods you have always felt..."

STUMBLE Me

"At great periods you have always felt, deep within you, the temptation to commit suicide. You gave yourself to it; breached your own defenses. You were a child. The idea of suicide was a protest against life; by dying, you would escape this longing for death."

Cesare Pavese (1908–1950), Italian poet, novelist, translator. The Burning Brand: Diaries 1935-1950, entry for Jan. 1, 1950 (1952, trans. 1961).

Its like Groundhog day, but not really.

STUMBLE Me

Everywhere around me, reminds me of everything I just cannot escape from or work with or accept. Where I sleep, where I live, where I run and walk, where I cycle, where I drink, where I... .just am.

Seaford's becoming like a roundabout to me now, or my own GroundHog Day special.

Things that I have experienced and suffered in the last year especially, all documented on here, significantly my Fathers death, are not allowing me to move on. I am trapped in the same emotions of resentment, anger, hatred that I had when I experienced them at the time.

It's like I am stuck on some DVD scene selector, constantly revisiting the same scenes and emotions... and taking the emotions with me, which ofcourse only get more stronger, the more you allow them to fester yada yada yada.

All these rantings are just the tip of the iceberg, there is stuff I just cannot talk about. That terrifies me.

I want out. End of, move on, move out... I do, I really do. But apparently I cannot. It's put up or shut-up so it would clearly seem right now. Put up with it like everyone else, your not so special.

 

The Free Spirit Curse...

STUMBLE Me

The joke is, although I consider myself a free spirit I am far from it. Suffocating in your own view of what it is to be alive. Trapped and caged somewhere you really dont quite belong.

These self-help books have actually been a massive fucking nuisance... all this 'be in the now' crap. I've been in the now for the last two years and now Im fucked because of it. Am confused...

Some negative spin... on my life.

STUMBLE Me

Head is full of utter despair... way to go Negative Thoughts. Way to go total and utter self loathing and unworthiness...

Come of the meds month or so ago, do not believe for one moment any longer that THAT Bipolar Tag is at all relevant. I have rebelled, call it 'standing up for your self and believing what you have really believed from the first moment the doc suggested the BP thing'. Two years of mind numbing, thought suffocating drugs.

Miserable, down, low, dejected, self absorbed, guilt, overwhelmed, hopelessly faithless, unmotivated, unimpressed, terrified... And yes, most at the same time. My thoughts are racked with hopelessness.

 

Blog Roll

Instead of a seemingly never ending list of Blogs I have linked to taking up a huge amount of space, I have invited them all to one place, this post.

This is just my way of keeping the house clean and tidy.

So in no particular order, my visited Blogs are:

It's been a while....

STUMBLE Me
Hasn't felt right adding to the Blog since my Father passed away. It has been a terribly upsetting and painful few months and to be honest, it's getting worse. The grief is beyond words...

Everytime, and I mean everytime I have gone back to look at my Blog tears and deep sadness fill me. Its a huge shock every time, to see the photos of him smiling, then to see those words "RIP". It's not right, not right at all.

This morning after righting this post, I look at the fact that this post is above my Dad and a HUGE sense of guilt hits me, like why am I shunting Dad out of the top spot. It really is hard. Almost like I don't want to move on or lose the memory of him, but want to lose the memory of loseing him. Its all really f••••d up...

 

My father passed away in my arms - Finally rest in Peace

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Passed away at 10pm.

Finally after 10 years of fighting the cancer Dad, you can now rest in peace.

How you will be remembered... You loved and lived for life.

STUMBLE ME

In loving memory... Ray Smith 1947-2007

Funeral Song by me

This is another tune that I have composed, that maybe will be played whilst the coffin is walked in. It's a little more uplifting, plus has a hint of a 'processional' march to it as the Police will be there.

What do you think?

Download Brassy.mp3

Finding it so hard as i just cant finish it, manage 5 mins then burst into tears... its so awful to do, then to listen to, so very painful, pain so so so deep.

Composed using Apple GarageBand with the Symphony orchestra Jam Pack.

A song I composed for Dad, knowing his time with us was uncertain

As a means of trying to accept the inevitable  over the last few months, I have been putting together a tune together in Garageband.

I am not sure really why I did, but I did. It would make me very sad to do it, try different instruments, to listen to it time and time again, wondering if he would like it. Would always bring a tear to my eyes. I had no intention of showing it to him, more for me. But now I would like to share it...

Forever in me.mp3

Using orchestral and brass instruments, which was one of Dad's favourite styles of music, Big Bands and such like.

My grief, His release...

I am broken-hearted...

I could never of imagined this intensity of pain and grief...

to have someone you love so very much die as you hold them,

to see and feel them take their last breath...

so utterly heartbreaking.

My fathers thoughts exactly...

Boy, when you're dead, they really fix you up.

I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. 

Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. 

People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. 

Who wants flowers when you're dead?  Nobody. 

~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1945

On: Dad

Dad. You lived for me, now I will live for you.

I am part of you, you will live on in me. You will never be forgotten.

When your Father Dies - Shifting the Sun

Shifting the Sun

When your father dies, say the Irish,
you lose your umbrella against bad weather.
May his sun be your light, say the Armenians