The Free Spirit Curse...

STUMBLE Me

The joke is, although I consider myself a free spirit I am far from it. Suffocating in your own view of what it is to be alive. Trapped and caged somewhere you really dont quite belong.

These self-help books have actually been a massive fucking nuisance... all this 'be in the now' crap. I've been in the now for the last two years and now Im fucked because of it. Am confused...

I am a free spirit, I mean not right now, but that's what I would call myself in a 'ideal' world. Free to do what the fuck I fucking want... Not too much to ask is it? Apparently so.

I know now I need to run away, go of traveling again before I literally do take my own life. But I can't, I have my wonderful best friend, my dog Dylan... Ergo... Trapped. This makes me cry, he makes me cry. Everyday, I see his big brown eyes looking at me expectedly for his walk and I shed tears for him. Why?

I know I come across as a whining selfish greedy and spoilt son of a bitch. But Im not really, I at least have a small thread of this beleif. One small element of knowing that I can truely hold my head up high and say that I have really really tried, tried EVERYTHING without letting it win, and there have been occasions when I thought  it was over, too much to carry on my shoulder. But I battled through...

Like today... So so so really hard to get up in the mornings. The morning fill me with dread, I start sweating and shaking at the prospect of another day of willing myself to get through all those thoughts again. So far Im hanging in there... Today I went to Brighton, the thought process involved in that decisions actually took its toll on me before I had even got going. It eventually took me 4 hrs to get going, thr thought of walking around the busy streets, for what reason? Simple, to go to Borders, wonder up the aisles and grab a coffee in startbucks. I actually wondered over to the Graphic Design section... immediately felt sick. Like a poor tasteless joke. So ended up plugging my noise isolating earphones in, not to the iPod. Nope. Just the earphones to drown out the constant chatter which just drives me insane. Grabbed a chair by the window and just looked outside at all the people.

After, finally dragged myself to the movies on my own. Some contentment at least for a bit. Except the nagging thoughts of you really shouldn't be doing this, like you can afford to do this. True, I can't. That little trip to Brighton, coffee, hotdog and a movie, just short of £20. How on earth? But I had to get out of Seaford, finally, had to get out. Trapped really. I know I would feel lower feeling that I couldn't get out, but guilty and self loathing at spending more money. I can give myself the usual: you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't gamble. But this only works for so long.

Being or feeling a free spirit is really a curse of the highest order.

I don't fit in this life, this order of modern living. I know that. I like aspects of it for sure, but my own personal circumstances don't fit together with the true free spirit. Bouncing from corner to corner....

Today, at least for a few hours I had some peace. So maybe the £20 was worth it, but it all adds up.

There are things I KNOW I could do, or do do, that make a difference, positively to how I feel, but I can't rely on them... because it mostly comes down to money and being free in time. Like swimming, something I still try to do regularly, but getting harder as the days go on, costs me just over a £5 each time. it all adds up, regardless of the simple fact its good to do. I could take drugs again, its sort of a alternative, but no thank you.

I don't ever see myself fitting in and conforming, which makes it hard for other people. But I will not cheat myself anymore, I will not allow myself to loose whatever 'spirit' I have left in me. Vapour trails is all it is... and some sense, some naive thoughts, that it may all get better again. Ha fucking ha... Jesus wet. If anyone says that to me I will personally knock there block off. I would have believed them, several times over the last few years... but not any more.

Positive thinking in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary does not work any more for me.

I look at some of my personal circumstances and just berate myself for being so selfish and self absorbed. I'm aware of it, but thats about as far as it goes.

I am feeling and thinking these 'things/thoughts' for very good fucking reasons. I have not lost touch of reality, I believe I have a firmer hold of it now than I ever have. And that really is a curse for me. Like I say, I cut through the crap. I see things quite clearly... And that actually TERRIFIES me shiteless.

Comments

[Clint Brooks]

hello,.. i am writing this in hopes that you will find some solace in what i have to say,. i ahve been through,. no am in hell,. my life has been circling in and out of control,. i have many good and bad experiences,. i know that your deppression seems much worse and irrepairable than mine,. however i have some information i would like to share with you,. i have gone through major mania,. aka schizophrenia,. i have learned to live with it,. no easy task,. i used to be paranoid all the time,. and always in quiestion of my self and others,. but that is of no importance to you,. i know this is going to sound really really pathetic but,. there is hope for you, me, and all of us,.. we just have to realise that there is always something worth living for,.. we just have to look beyond our problems and find out what it really means to have purpose,. i truly believe that,. people are only that which they percieve their surroundings to be,. what that means is that if you -percive everyone around you to be more apt to handle life than you,. well then that will be your world,. if you think that everyone else is under your control and that you have excerted mental prowess over them than that will be your world,. as for me i think the real truth lies somewhere in the middle,. and this is where "free spririt" part fits into the equation,. it is not a curse,. in fact is actually a blessing,... at times,. this ocurred to me today while i was at the store,. see next comment

[Clint Brooks]

I am usually paranoid as hell,. This is all due to the simple fact that I believe that people are watching me,. and that freaks me out,. But any way this time was different,. I found that if I just let my paranoia go,. But still maintained a balance of self (emotional) control,. then I was able to walk about freely without worrying about what everyone else was thinking,. I was freed for a moment in time,. But that is what people, similar to ourselves, have to constanly live with,. And that is the fact that we have to constantly practice at our lives,. we have to find things that work for us,. And that might be all bullshit,. Maybe we can through some miraculous miracle,. Let go in an instant and free all of our problems,.. but we both know that is very unlikely,. So instead,. We practice,. when we don’t,. we feel as though we are letting our selves down,. If not in the moment of relaxation,. Shortly there after,. So we are flawed,. We are caught in a game that can’t be played by the other people’s rules without sacrificing our own rights to being calm and relaxed,. Yes it is quite a sad world we live in where other people live grand and seemingly uninhibited lives,. I do not know much,. but there are times when I feel as though I am free to live my life as I choose,. I try not to get too entangled in the drama of life, however I struggle towards living a sane life,. it is difficult for me to explain what I am feeling right now, and even more difficult to put in words what is going on,. but yet I continue typing this as an attempt to reconcile with my illness by trying to help other people,.. i know little of this has made sense,. there is something I just have to say though,. when people say not to lie to your self,. That is all bullshit,.. at for me,.. i think, we have to do what ever there is to help us deal with these problems,. If that means making your self believe that you are living in a world that is detached of meaning and is of little importance to any one other than you,. see next comment,..

[Clint Brooks]

Well then so be it,.. in fact,. That is what I was doing the entire time I was at the store,. I was feeling for the first time,. i was in an altered state, a state that was new as far as odd experiences go,. This time it was all okay though,. I realised that I can make my life into what ever I want it to be,. And by doing that I can alter the lives of others as well,. this was not by any means of an attempt to be a crusade for world peace,. But it seems my post was an ill conceived attempt to let my voice be heard,. I am feeling that the days of my life are numbered,. But its all okay,. because I am going to live for as long as I am allowed,. And that is all I I can do, the one thing that I have learned though is that we must have some sort of purpose, and hold fast to those convictions,. We can’t live blindly, but by the same tune, we must not let our illness,. Get the better of us,.. if you are anything like I am,. Well then you know that people with mental or simply social incapacities,. Read way too much into the things we se around us,.. it obvious there are certain things in life that cant be explained,. But if we try enough we could explain the reason for things that aren’t usually even talked about,. but it is not a wise decision to worry our selves sick about these things and especially to impart this misguided wisdom on others,. And that might not apply to you,. But I know it damn sure might apply to many troubled people who are in our situations,.. any way back on track,. I am just trying to say that it is up to you to decide what you want your life to be,. Not others,. They have no bearing on how you choose to live your life,. and when i say that you can make your mind believe what you want it to,. I mean that,. all you have to do is believe in what ever you want to believe in,.. I am having difficulties grasping the gravity of what I am saying,. And I know it must be difficult for any one else to believe this shit,.. our minds are interesting things,.. they allow us to interpret information in different ways and for people who choose,., they can be shaped and molded into thinking that which is real is not real,. see next comment,..

[Clint Brooks]

,. I am not saying to let go of your brain,. What I am saying is that you need to allow it to process information differently,. Take in what you like, discard the rest,.. after a while you might start to see that you have created a better life for your self and for others,.. I know that is my reason for being, I am here for others,. But it is up to you to decide,. What you are going to do,.. you must do what you think is right though,.. nad if that means, putting your self through hell, then so be it,.. as long as you are content and still a functioning part of society,.. any way,. This comment has gotten to be way too long,. And I know it might not have helped at all,. but if you cfind the words that I am saying are mistaken or are flwed in any way, then perhaps you can get something out of it by learning from my mistakes,. Perhaps you can see through all my petty problems,. maybe you might realise that all my problems are meaningless,. But in that case you will have gained from reading this post,. You will have realised that you are not as worse off as you once thought you were,.. this might lead you to think that you are in a better place than some people are,. At least you can see through the lies,.. im sure you have the same perception that people believe just about anything,.. it is sad but true,. and it is up to us to fix all these problems,.. but we must fix ourselves first,.. it all starts inside,.. that is where the matter of truth lies,.. it can be difficult to understand at times,.. but our purpose is to provide a better way of life to others,.. I am sorry if I have freaked you out,.. I am just in one of those weird moods where I feel like I am just exploring bits of my self that I havnt seen yet,.. and I am doing all of this because I felt compelled to make peace with my self,. I figured that, while I was at it, I might try my hand at helping other people, a step in some direction right!? but any way,. Sorry for the extreme length of this comment, but I just had to do it,.. so take care,.. and I wish nothing but the best for you and for others,.. just keep your eyes peeled for the bullshit people will try to feed you,..

[write through the flame]

i experience much of what you do. thank you for writing about it. i have recently found "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach VERY helpful in terms of not hating myself!
Courage to all of us.