The joke is, although I consider myself a free spirit I am far from it. Suffocating in your own view of what it is to be alive. Trapped and caged somewhere you really dont quite belong.
These self-help books have actually been a massive fucking nuisance... all this 'be in the now' crap. I've been in the now for the last two years and now Im fucked because of it. Am confused...
I am a free spirit, I mean not right now, but that's what I would call myself in a 'ideal' world. Free to do what the fuck I fucking want... Not too much to ask is it? Apparently so.
I know now I need to run away, go of traveling again before I literally do take my own life. But I can't, I have my wonderful best friend, my dog Dylan... Ergo... Trapped. This makes me cry, he makes me cry. Everyday, I see his big brown eyes looking at me expectedly for his walk and I shed tears for him. Why?
I know I come across as a whining selfish greedy and spoilt son of a bitch. But Im not really, I at least have a small thread of this beleif. One small element of knowing that I can truely hold my head up high and say that I have really really tried, tried EVERYTHING without letting it win, and there have been occasions when I thought it was over, too much to carry on my shoulder. But I battled through...
Like today... So so so really hard to get up in the mornings. The morning fill me with dread, I start sweating and shaking at the prospect of another day of willing myself to get through all those thoughts again. So far Im hanging in there... Today I went to Brighton, the thought process involved in that decisions actually took its toll on me before I had even got going. It eventually took me 4 hrs to get going, thr thought of walking around the busy streets, for what reason? Simple, to go to Borders, wonder up the aisles and grab a coffee in startbucks. I actually wondered over to the Graphic Design section... immediately felt sick. Like a poor tasteless joke. So ended up plugging my noise isolating earphones in, not to the iPod. Nope. Just the earphones to drown out the constant chatter which just drives me insane. Grabbed a chair by the window and just looked outside at all the people.
After, finally dragged myself to the movies on my own. Some contentment at least for a bit. Except the nagging thoughts of you really shouldn't be doing this, like you can afford to do this. True, I can't. That little trip to Brighton, coffee, hotdog and a movie, just short of £20. How on earth? But I had to get out of Seaford, finally, had to get out. Trapped really. I know I would feel lower feeling that I couldn't get out, but guilty and self loathing at spending more money. I can give myself the usual: you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't gamble. But this only works for so long.
Being or feeling a free spirit is really a curse of the highest order.
I don't fit in this life, this order of modern living. I know that. I like aspects of it for sure, but my own personal circumstances don't fit together with the true free spirit. Bouncing from corner to corner....
Today, at least for a few hours I had some peace. So maybe the £20 was worth it, but it all adds up.
There are things I KNOW I could do, or do do, that make a difference, positively to how I feel, but I can't rely on them... because it mostly comes down to money and being free in time. Like swimming, something I still try to do regularly, but getting harder as the days go on, costs me just over a £5 each time. it all adds up, regardless of the simple fact its good to do. I could take drugs again, its sort of a alternative, but no thank you.
I don't ever see myself fitting in and conforming, which makes it hard for other people. But I will not cheat myself anymore, I will not allow myself to loose whatever 'spirit' I have left in me. Vapour trails is all it is... and some sense, some naive thoughts, that it may all get better again. Ha fucking ha... Jesus wet. If anyone says that to me I will personally knock there block off. I would have believed them, several times over the last few years... but not any more.
Positive thinking in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary does not work any more for me.
I look at some of my personal circumstances and just berate myself for being so selfish and self absorbed. I'm aware of it, but thats about as far as it goes.
I am feeling and thinking these 'things/thoughts' for very good fucking reasons. I have not lost touch of reality, I believe I have a firmer hold of it now than I ever have. And that really is a curse for me. Like I say, I cut through the crap. I see things quite clearly... And that actually TERRIFIES me shiteless.