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08/23/2007

Comments

Clint Brooks

hello,.. i am writing this in hopes that you will find some solace in what i have to say,. i ahve been through,. no am in hell,. my life has been circling in and out of control,. i have many good and bad experiences,. i know that your deppression seems much worse and irrepairable than mine,. however i have some information i would like to share with you,. i have gone through major mania,. aka schizophrenia,. i have learned to live with it,. no easy task,. i used to be paranoid all the time,. and always in quiestion of my self and others,. but that is of no importance to you,. i know this is going to sound really really pathetic but,. there is hope for you, me, and all of us,.. we just have to realise that there is always something worth living for,.. we just have to look beyond our problems and find out what it really means to have purpose,. i truly believe that,. people are only that which they percieve their surroundings to be,. what that means is that if you -percive everyone around you to be more apt to handle life than you,. well then that will be your world,. if you think that everyone else is under your control and that you have excerted mental prowess over them than that will be your world,. as for me i think the real truth lies somewhere in the middle,. and this is where "free spririt" part fits into the equation,. it is not a curse,. in fact is actually a blessing,... at times,. this ocurred to me today while i was at the store,. see next comment

Clint Brooks

I am usually paranoid as hell,. This is all due to the simple fact that I believe that people are watching me,. and that freaks me out,. But any way this time was different,. I found that if I just let my paranoia go,. But still maintained a balance of self (emotional) control,. then I was able to walk about freely without worrying about what everyone else was thinking,. I was freed for a moment in time,. But that is what people, similar to ourselves, have to constanly live with,. And that is the fact that we have to constantly practice at our lives,. we have to find things that work for us,. And that might be all bullshit,. Maybe we can through some miraculous miracle,. Let go in an instant and free all of our problems,.. but we both know that is very unlikely,. So instead,. We practice,. when we don’t,. we feel as though we are letting our selves down,. If not in the moment of relaxation,. Shortly there after,. So we are flawed,. We are caught in a game that can’t be played by the other people’s rules without sacrificing our own rights to being calm and relaxed,. Yes it is quite a sad world we live in where other people live grand and seemingly uninhibited lives,. I do not know much,. but there are times when I feel as though I am free to live my life as I choose,. I try not to get too entangled in the drama of life, however I struggle towards living a sane life,. it is difficult for me to explain what I am feeling right now, and even more difficult to put in words what is going on,. but yet I continue typing this as an attempt to reconcile with my illness by trying to help other people,.. i know little of this has made sense,. there is something I just have to say though,. when people say not to lie to your self,. That is all bullshit,.. at for me,.. i think, we have to do what ever there is to help us deal with these problems,. If that means making your self believe that you are living in a world that is detached of meaning and is of little importance to any one other than you,. see next comment,..

Clint Brooks

Well then so be it,.. in fact,. That is what I was doing the entire time I was at the store,. I was feeling for the first time,. i was in an altered state, a state that was new as far as odd experiences go,. This time it was all okay though,. I realised that I can make my life into what ever I want it to be,. And by doing that I can alter the lives of others as well,. this was not by any means of an attempt to be a crusade for world peace,. But it seems my post was an ill conceived attempt to let my voice be heard,. I am feeling that the days of my life are numbered,. But its all okay,. because I am going to live for as long as I am allowed,. And that is all I I can do, the one thing that I have learned though is that we must have some sort of purpose, and hold fast to those convictions,. We can’t live blindly, but by the same tune, we must not let our illness,. Get the better of us,.. if you are anything like I am,. Well then you know that people with mental or simply social incapacities,. Read way too much into the things we se around us,.. it obvious there are certain things in life that cant be explained,. But if we try enough we could explain the reason for things that aren’t usually even talked about,. but it is not a wise decision to worry our selves sick about these things and especially to impart this misguided wisdom on others,. And that might not apply to you,. But I know it damn sure might apply to many troubled people who are in our situations,.. any way back on track,. I am just trying to say that it is up to you to decide what you want your life to be,. Not others,. They have no bearing on how you choose to live your life,. and when i say that you can make your mind believe what you want it to,. I mean that,. all you have to do is believe in what ever you want to believe in,.. I am having difficulties grasping the gravity of what I am saying,. And I know it must be difficult for any one else to believe this shit,.. our minds are interesting things,.. they allow us to interpret information in different ways and for people who choose,., they can be shaped and molded into thinking that which is real is not real,. see next comment,..

Clint Brooks

,. I am not saying to let go of your brain,. What I am saying is that you need to allow it to process information differently,. Take in what you like, discard the rest,.. after a while you might start to see that you have created a better life for your self and for others,.. I know that is my reason for being, I am here for others,. But it is up to you to decide,. What you are going to do,.. you must do what you think is right though,.. nad if that means, putting your self through hell, then so be it,.. as long as you are content and still a functioning part of society,.. any way,. This comment has gotten to be way too long,. And I know it might not have helped at all,. but if you cfind the words that I am saying are mistaken or are flwed in any way, then perhaps you can get something out of it by learning from my mistakes,. Perhaps you can see through all my petty problems,. maybe you might realise that all my problems are meaningless,. But in that case you will have gained from reading this post,. You will have realised that you are not as worse off as you once thought you were,.. this might lead you to think that you are in a better place than some people are,. At least you can see through the lies,.. im sure you have the same perception that people believe just about anything,.. it is sad but true,. and it is up to us to fix all these problems,.. but we must fix ourselves first,.. it all starts inside,.. that is where the matter of truth lies,.. it can be difficult to understand at times,.. but our purpose is to provide a better way of life to others,.. I am sorry if I have freaked you out,.. I am just in one of those weird moods where I feel like I am just exploring bits of my self that I havnt seen yet,.. and I am doing all of this because I felt compelled to make peace with my self,. I figured that, while I was at it, I might try my hand at helping other people, a step in some direction right!? but any way,. Sorry for the extreme length of this comment, but I just had to do it,.. so take care,.. and I wish nothing but the best for you and for others,.. just keep your eyes peeled for the bullshit people will try to feed you,..

write through the flame

i experience much of what you do. thank you for writing about it. i have recently found "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach VERY helpful in terms of not hating myself!
Courage to all of us.

Calvin Klein

thank you1

gg

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