1st Posted on the 24th October. Re-posted with changes 11th December.
RELAPSE
My consultant and Anna were with me during the worse or my re-lapse after my trip to Egypt 2005. This was a particularly troubling and desperate time for me. I knew how hard I had had to work at getting through the breakdown and subsequent diagnosis the year before. Here I was again.
At times I was unable to do what I needed to do as my strength had all but evaporated. As before, Anna showed immense support and arranged for me to see Dr B as Dr A was on leave. After this I arranged to see Dr P at the Priory, Roehampton. This was to gain further information and a clarification of my initial diagnosis. As I felt unable to mentally take in any thing useful and important that Dr P may have had to say, Anna kindly came with me to this consultation. I came out of it feeling far more positive than I had going in. Dr P gave me some valuable insight into the illness along with some ‘alternative’ remedies that could be implemented along with my medication, all of which I still religiously follow.
During Christmas and after a consultation with Dr A we both felt that I needed some further support in this period so I was involved with the excellent NHS Crisis Team and significantly the continual support of Anna and my friends and family who helped me through this trying time. It is a letting go of pride that takes strength; the acceptance of allowing others to help is a sign of trust in other people, not a weakness as some people believe.
Anna was and is a 'God send' to me and one that both myself and my family are highly indebted to her for. She has showed immense strength of character and has never ceased to offer support and comfort to us despite at the same time having to deal with her own personal struggles with her relationship with her estranged husband.
Even at the height of this depression, and the misery and despair that went along with it even the thoughts of just wanting 'out', not once did I ever consider ending my life. And to anyone who believes I did or have tried to end my life clearly do not know me and even more have not ever spoken to me and asked if this was the case. It is somewhat regrettable that people who believe they know more than me are not in a position to suggest otherwise, regardless of what they believe they have heard and assumed.
I pity those who take the words of another and then twist them into something far from the actual truth. It is doubly regrettable that a certain person will assume that to suffer from a brain disease automatically means you are a danger to other people. It is no more true than someone who believes that they no more about someone else based on a third parties comment. I have never been a danger to anyone at any point in my life. To those who believe I was, am and will be again then I say you simply do not know me well enough to comment. The only people qualified to say if I am, was or have been is myself and my consultant.
TO SUICIDE OR TO NOT SUICIDE. WHAT IS THE TRUTH... ONLY I KNOW.
During the more challenging periods of my illness it would be fair to
say that I often felt total and utter despair. To try and explain in
words what one feels and experiences at the height of depression is
impossible. The hopelessness of being afflicted with a mental illness
the frustration that you cannot adequately convey to those around you
the severity of the condition and watching the frustration of those
around you just not able to ‘get it’. just as some one who does not
suffer from Diabetes may find it hard to appreciate the symptoms that
are suffered on a frequent basis. Sadly stigma and prejudice are always
there as soon as you insert the word 'mental'.
Maybe if it were changed to brain illness it may be perceived a little differently?
To believe that having 'suicidal thoughts' is the same as attempting suicide. The first of those options is simply untrue and the latter is a gross generalization and a statement of prejudice.
I have never attempted suicide although I do now have a closer understanding of someone who has than someone who has not suffered from a brain illness can ever have. It is with debt of gratitude that I had the support of everyone who knew me, from friends to relatives to professionals.
No single person can prove or disprove what is going on in my mind - good or bad, it is other people’s imagination, lack of knowledge, fear of the unknown and personal prejudices that motivate people to say factually incorrect statements.
DARK, DARK DAYS
Even during the darkest days I knew that sooner or later it would ease
up, just as it has done previously and one searches for the inner
strength and resolve to battle on through and that is what it is; a
battle. It shows strength of character that only people who have been
and come out can understand and be rightly proud of them. To this I add
that this in no way reflects on the poor souls who cannot tolerate any
longer the despair. To end one's life is not selfish; it is the
ultimate personal act of independence and self induced cure that no one
else can prescribe. Depression is ultimately curable and can be managed
and many are able to lead a as normal a life as possible - although
what normal is I do not think anyone can clarify or define.
thank you1
Posted by: Calvin Klein | 09/08/2011 at 04:04 AM