1st Posted on the 24th October. Re-posted with changes 11th December.
THE DIAGNOSIS
I was
diagnosed as suffering from Bi-Polar illness after my Breakdown in July
2004 I was given leave from work and I immediately went to see my GP.
Initially he had said that there really was not to much that he could
do; that I was stressed and obviously it had built up to a unmanageable
level. I told him I had a private health care plan through Gemini Press
and he said this made all the difference and arranged for me to see a
consultant he knew of at the Priory in Brighton. The chain of events
was very rapid; on the Monday I had the breakdown, on Wednesday I saw
my GP and on Friday I had appointment to see the consultant, Dr A.
Prior to seeing Dr A I was, truth be told, a shadow of my former self, feeling hopeless and sad I went to see my parents where, after sitting down, I just broke down. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for them to see. Yet, I think in one respect, there was also a glimmer of hope in a odd way; that finally after years of witnessing my low moods, continually withdrawing from the public eye that it had all come out and now the truth was out, plans could be drawn up to set in place a path to recovery.
GET A GRIP
Just
prior to setting off for my appointment with Dr A I had my usual
pang of self doubt; I wondered whether in fact I was just making a meal
of things. I found it hard to accept that I was going to see a
consultant psychiatrist. I was convinced that I should just “get a
grip”. But during my meeting with Dr A it became abundantly clear
to me that all was not well after all After filling in numerous
questionnaire and multiple choice questions and based in my own
diagnosis Dr A asked me how depressed I thought I was. (Even
hearing, after all these years the words ‘depressed’, this shook my
very being). I “humoured” Dr A though and replied that I reckoned
the tests would show me to be maybe a little low or mildly depressed? I
was wrong; the tests showed me to be suffering from major depression
and almost off-the-scale anxiety. Words cannot begin to even get close
to explaining or describing the thoughts that were racing through my
mind at this bombshell. It had not sunk it and truth be told, did not
fully sink in for sometime after.
Dr Assin said that ultimately I had some choices to make and that while he could offer me advice and help he was not to make those decisions for me.
The 3 options presented to me by Dr A were:
2. To admit myself to the Priory as an inpatient for the purposes of assessment, treatment and counseling, or
3. To visit the Priory as an outpatient and attend daily therapy and counseling sessions.
To be honest this was all too much to take in and decide just then so I said I would go home and talk to family and friends and let him know on Monday how I wished to proceed.
(Even at this major point of crisis I was not deemed a risk to myself or to anyone else. If I had been then Dr A would have had me committed. The very fact that I was given these choices clearly demonstrates that I was more than capable of rational thought and self control and that I posed no risk either to myself or to anyone else.)
TO SHARE IS TO LESSEN THE PAIN
That
evening I shared all this with my life long friend Raymond Smith. I
asked him to keep this to himself as the chances are I would be out of
circulations for a period of time and I just needed one person to know
the truth so I did not feel totally alone. Obviously I also discussed
it in depth with my parents who were very helpful but in truth I know
that almost as soon as Dr A and I had concluded our session my mind
was already made up. I would admit myself to the Priory. Frankly to do
otherwise would have been irresponsible of me; I fully recognized that
this was a valuable opportunity to get the very best of the best
treatment for such a debilitating illness.
PRIVATE HEALTH CARE, I WAS FORTUNATE
I
accepted that I was very fortunate to have private health care and that
many many other less fortunate people would have to battle on with
their depression with only the limited recourses of the GP and the all
familiar prescription of Prozac and a few weeks of work with no further
help, support or therapy and counseling. And this acceptance requires a
great strength of character.
THE CHOICE
So I knew that in reality I was left with one choice, this was to admit myself to the priory and by Tuesday I was a patient.
IM NOT ILL, BUT THEY ARE!
It
became obvious to me that I was actually one of the most healthy people
in the Priory - it was a bit of a reality check to find myself amongst
Heroin Addicts, compulsive disorder patients and high suicide risk
patients and it gave me new insights into the difficulties of life and
that inevitably someone somewhere is always suffering more than you.
PREJUDICE
I
have personally experienced prejudice against ‘mental illness’ , to
borrow a statement leveled at me recently… he asserted that I am “a
tattooed, pierced, good-for-nothing, constantly-suicidal individual”. I
am very glad that I do not share this person’s prejudices and
presumptions based on misplaced first impressions. Had I done so at
the Priory I would have missed out on sharing cups of tea and watching
tv with some wonderful people that some people in more ‘usual’
circumstances would probably choose not to associate with. For sure, to
one degree or another we all “judge” others by our first impressions
but usually if we are given the chance to have more than just a brief
impression of someone then more often than not our views may be
relaxed. To look at me and see no further than some tattoo’s and
piercing’s that this to them tells them everything they need to know
about me – demonstrating a naivety and arrogance that frankly beggars
description.
HOME LEAVE
In
the end I spent 5 weeks at the Priory but was allowed to return home
every weekend. I also enjoyed certain privileges at the Priory that I
only I and Anna seemed to have; we were free to leave the priory as and
when we wanted without any supervision as all the other patients had to
have if indeed they were let out at all! This decision by the
psychiatrist and therapy team not to be put on suicide watch, is
further proof that, even in one of the worst episodes of my illness, I
was not considered to be a risk of suicide; I was considered not to be
a risk to myself or others. I took advantage of this and would have my
daily run whilst during the evenings I would walk into Brighton and
spend some time in the Internet Café.
TO BE IN THE KNOW
During
my stay at the Priory I began to develop an interest in mental illness
per se and be came very pro-active in my treatment. I bought and read
numerous textbooks on the subject, as well as self help books to try
and gain the widest perspective possible on my illness. To be informed
is to be responsible, I chose to inform myself and accept that what I
had was not my fault and that I could ignore it or work with it and
learn about it. To learn about something you do not know is to reduce
the fear of the said unknown. I found this incredibly empowering and my
thirst for knowledge and understanding knew no limits.
With this new found knowledge and with the help of Anna, and my therapists I choose to make two very important changes to my life: to leave my career and to sell my house. Do not underestimate the strength of character it requires to unilaterally dispose of everything thus far that you had worked to achieve. These are not decisions to be taken lightly and they were not taken lightly. I made a conscious and informed decision and chose to change my then life-style to achieve a better balance between life and work. Prior to my admission to the Priory I had been working extremely long and dedicated hours to my work which I took very seriously.
RE-EVALUATE
I
had instead an opportunity to re-evaluated my priorities in life. I
view my breakdown and subsequent recovery as a gift, as a chance to
re-evaluate exactly what it is that I want from life. Although I have
and still do regard my work as highly important and am a perfectionist
in what I do, I also realize the importance of giving time to other
people and to maintaining my health.
This is not to say that it was all roses and happiness. Far from it, the road to recovery is long and painful, frustrating and exhausting. The only light you often see is the light of an oncoming train not the end of the tunnel. You climb one mountain only to find the horizon is full of mountain peaks to climb up and stumble down that sums up the initial recovery process. Very up and down, more often down that up. It is not just the illness you need to manage but the lifelong associations, beliefs and thoughts that need to be re-wired and re-aligned.
Hi Graham,
Found your site through Technorati and have enjoyed looking through it. I was recently diagnosed BP II and have just posted on how I reached my diagnosis
If you are interested it's here...
http://puddlejumper.wordpress.com/2006/12/11/how-i-got-diagnosed-with-bipolar-manic-depression/
Well done on the Marathons.
Best wishes
x
Posted by: puddlejumper | 12/11/2006 at 11:20 AM
Hi PJ,
Appreciate your comment, i wonder that most times I am just adrift somewhere with ships just passing me by. So good to know that someone somewhere has discovered my Blog.
I have added your Blog to my fav blogs menu and had a quick look at your blog. I don't have time just yet but I will take a look over the next few days.
Always fascinated by what other Bipolarites have to share...
Take care.
Graham
Posted by: Graham Smith | 12/11/2006 at 06:23 PM
We're a pretty cool bunch I reckon...
Have added you to my blogroll also.
And thanks for the link!
:-)
Posted by: puddlejumper | 12/11/2006 at 09:17 PM
Wow, Graham. I couldn't have said it better.
"a chance to re-evaluate exactly what it is that I want from life." Having this illness really puts things into perspective, doesn't it?
"It is not just the illness you need to manage but the lifelong associations, beliefs and thoughts that need to be re-wired and re-aligned." I totally agree. But how?
I am so glad that you're taking an active role in your recovery. I agree with you when you wrote, "To learn about something you do not know is to reduce the fear of the said unknown."
Posted by: Veronika | 12/12/2006 at 04:38 PM
thank you1
Posted by: Calvin Klein | 09/08/2011 at 04:03 AM