The outlook... (2006 and onwards)

1st Posted on the 24th October. Re-posted with changes 11th December.

POGO UP AND DOWN... UP AND DOWN!
I have always bounced back, more determined than ever and none more so than now especially in the face of overwhelming personal challenges.

 

I accept and take personal responsibility for my illness. I always trust the advice of my Consultant with regards to treatment and adjustments of medication. I choose to seek therapy as and when I feel I need it, I am not forced to do any of this. It is my choice and my choice only, it is because I am a responsible human being who accepts that he needs the help and support of others that I am and will continue to develop further understanding of the illness, adopting new coping strategies and tweaking medications as my recovery continues from strength too strength.

I have now enjoyed months of relative stability; we have now getting closer to finding the right balance and combination of medication. Add to this my high appreciation and motivation for physical and mental wellbeing.

I respect my body and my health, it was soon after the Priory that I went to see a Nutritionist in London and with her help I radically altered my less than perfect dietary habits, and this has been one of the main contributing factors to my recovery, a healthy body and mind helps the recovery of not just depression but most other diseases and ailments. I know the importance of eating healthily and plentifuly every day and excising to keep the body alert and running at optimum efficiency.

Referring again to a certain person’s factually incorrect accusation that I have attempted suicide, which infers ‘self harm’. To put this into perspective and draw on day-to-day comparisons: people who smoke, drink and eat unhealthy foods are inflicting ‘self-harm’ on a daily basis. This is fact and undeniable. Yet we try to counter these affects by taking vitamins and various supplements and to regularly deny to ourselves that we ARE causing great harm to ourselves even in the face of constant media and scientific warnings.  We are acting selfishly and foolishly when choosing to smoke in the vicinity of non-smokers, causing harm to others. Just because a large proportion of the worlds population regularly smoke and drink it does not make it right.

SUPERMAN
Because of the importance I place on my health I am proud to say that in the last 36 months I ran two marathons, two of some of hardest ones in England the first being quite literally one month out of the Priory! Several half-marathons and even trained intensively for the annual London to Brighton run – the run, not bike ride! A run that covers 56 miles from Big Ben down to the Pier in Brighton. I was regularly running upwards of 20 miles, sometimes one day after the other. It was only due to my change of plane to leave for Egypt that prevented me from training any further. This did not stop me from supporting my life-long friend Raymond Smith, again at the time when I was struggling with a relapse towards end of last year.

Raymond knew I was struggling badly but encouraged me to see it through rather than giving into it. I am not sure he knows how much I actually appreciated his encouragement and how it enabled me to achieve, for what was for me, my own 56 mile challenge. I managed to offer support throughout the whole run, recording his run at every juncture, offering verbal support and nourishment. We both had own reached our own level of dedications and commitment at the highest level and the motivation and confidence to achieve a goal.

You don’t need strength to be strong but an ability to believe in what you know and feel.

It was also straight from the Priory that I regularly swam, swimming on most of the days I was not running. I know when I need to take a break from exercise, to give my body time to recovery. I still now regularly run, but a much more modest few miles a day and alternating between rest days and swimming.

SURELY IT CANNOT GET ANY WORSE
I truly believe that I will go from strength to strength, I now have the benefit of experience, foresight of the support of family and friends, close relationship with my consultant and most of all my love for Anna who has been instrumental in my recovering offering me a level of support that only someone with such compassion and humility can unselfishly give even when suffering the hardships she battles day to day. .

I now look forward to tomorrow and the next day, each day unearthing old and previously buried aspects of the young untainted Graham, the true Graham that nature intended. The Graham that my friends and family new existed within me through the worst of my illness..

Each day I learn more about the illness, the limitations that it can have, the coping strategies that one needs to implement in order to manage the Bipolar. Self respect grows and so does the love for life. I have achieved more in the last 2 years since my diagnosis than I ever have had and this must say something about the strength of character and the resolve I have inherent within me even when faced with such outrageous untrue and unfounded allegations as Giles has stated time and time again. I can take that on the chin, see it for what it is . Of course there may be setbacks, but we all experience moments of low moods brought on by external experiences, death, relationship, loss of career this affects us all and we all succumb to the inevitable sadness.

I am presently dealing with the sadness, frustration and pain that my father is experiencing on a daily basis whilst he continues to battle his cancer, never ceasing to be a source of true inspiration for the people around him but me especially. He shows the true strength of character that I believe I have inherited that enable me to see past the light of that oncoming train. He gave unconditional support to me earlier this year when I was at my lowest ebb although he himself was dealing with his own private hell. This is how a true family support each other.

I AM FOREVER GROWING
I am now stronger mentally and physically and with everything I have learnt about the physiology of the brain, the social pressures that affect us, the lack of respect some of us have for out own health and wellbeing, I am proud to say again that I glad that I have gone through and come out the other end having gained in sight to the human nature that only a few of us have experienced. Without fear or utter despair we cannot measure the true level of happiness and appreciate the importance that this has on our very being.

I NEED MY MED'S
My medication is crucial and I respect this. It took me some time to come to terms with this, as I have always associated a dependence on medication as a personal weakness so it has taken gentle persuasion from Dr A and Anna that it actually is not a weakness no more than Conall having to rely on insulin to literally stay alive. There is a difference to perceiving the reliance one is emoting as a weakness but also not denying that you do have to depend on it to remain healthy. For the last 36 months I have now become quite turned off by the thought of a good ‘piss-up’ or a pig out on a curry or kebab. That is not to say I live a boring and bland life; it just requires me to be a little more inventive and resourceful in my own culinary skills, which is far more satisfying than the alternative of regularly relying on fast food etc. I can enjoy a glass or two of wine with my meals, which is actually encouraged by my nutritionist, but I do need to ensure that I do not over-drink as this will and does negatively interact with my medications.

I have stumbled, I have fallen and at times have not always believed I could emerge from under this shadow but I am here now. Right here-right now proof that one human being, with the help of others can withstand the most horrendous and debilitating storm. Who has character? Who has strength? Who has a responsibility to himself and the other’s around him who waited for me to emerge from the shadow? Me!

My salvation was and is the love that everyone around me who gave without prejudice.

Ofcourse there is always a 'if' and usually a 'but'. It's both the former and the latter, which means life is not dull right now and am all over the place, so look out for more up-to-date posts on my current moods etc.

Comments

[Calvin Klein]

thank you1