1st Posted on the 24th October. Re-posted with changes 11th December.
A LITTLE BACKGROUND HISTORY
My illness can now be tracked back about 12 years, which is the average time that diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disease takes place. It is a slow and creeping illness.
After numerous visits to the GP, countless blood tests, etc, I was diagnosed as having Post Viral Syndrome, ME, glandular Fever, Yuppie Flu whatever the “name of the day” was. This caused me great anxiety as I was suffering severe low moods and exhaustions on a relatively frequent basis. In my early twenties I was eventually prescribed the wonderfully common Prozac, the anti depressant of choice. I recall feeling that this was just not appropriate that there was more to it then I was being told, but I had no voice and no support. To suffer in silence can be one of the most frustrating experiences, you are made to feel it is just ‘in your head’, ‘get over it’, ‘try harder’, ;you are just always so miserable’ etc etc.
OFF, ON AND OFF, ON AND THEM SOME
I would come off and on antidepressants over the next few years but
never really believing this was the answer and my low moods continued
unabated. It was not until I was able to buy my first home that I begun
to experience full independence but with it a certain isolation.
The next few years saw me enjoy life a little more, thriving on the freedom and independence that was inherent within me. I enjoyed the weekends as this enabled me to see my friends and enjoyed socialising in pubs and clubs. Drinking enough to be able to smile and see things a little more positively. The trouble with this is that a few drinks gave me the confidence that I was lacking ever other minute of the day and so almost inevitably Friday nights became a chance to throw aside the shackles and constraints of self-doubt. (It needs to be put into perspective though that just a few glasses of drink was all it took for me to become really quite tipsy. I never came anywhere close to matching my friends in alcohol consumption. I wasn’t out to get drunk. I only needed to relax.)
I even tried smoking, trying to smoke and tried to enjoy it and after a few months I just thought this really sucks, I don’t enjoy it and further more I just hate the smell. I found it interesting that I did not become addicted.
OH NO! DRUGY
The same applies to drugs. I did try some recreational drugs, some pot,
‘E’ and some speed. I spent about a year indulging myself in these
activities. It was after one particular confession to my GP and hearing
his description of what Speed can do to the brain that I realized, OK,
I tried it, am sort of pleased that I have experienced it, but boy does
it suck. So just like that I stopped; no desires, no addictions…. Just
the ability to switch on and off. I had self control when faced with
some hard hitting truths and self discovery. I am happy and believe
that I am fortunate that I have always been able to moderate some of
life’s less then ideal activities.
RUN, RUN, RUN WITH THE WIND
Through my twenties I still maintained a pride in my fitness with my running becoming more serious and started to run for a Local Running Club, regularly competing at weekend races. It was a serious knee injury and subsequent operation that scuppered training for the London marathon and this bought on quite a period of low mood for me. This was one of the first times that I felt the strength and overpowering surge of depression and frustration at being forced to stop running at the height of my fitness and achievement. In the end I was unable to run for some two years, which also stopped me from windsurfing which I was also getting good at.
HOW ODD THIS BEHAVIOUR OF MINE
I knew that things were not right with me; certain behavioral characteristics were becoming more frequent; low moods, high anxiety, lack of self confidence and often withdrawing from family and friends. All I knew was that at times I could not face being with people. I frequently felt so overwhelmed at the most insignificant social event that I was unable to stay there. I knew this behavior was causing my family and friends some concern and frustration but it became routine for me and in the end you come to accept “routine” as “normal” - that this is who and what I am; just a miserable, selfish and self-absorbed individual. And this acceptance in turn feeds negativity and the lack of self respect and further and further we spiral down into the circle of viciousness.
ME, ANNOYING? SURELY NOT?
Sporadically I would act in ways that quite frankly just annoyed people and would, on reflection, cause me to wonder what the hell was going on. I would be happy beyond words, excitable, everything looking great, the present the past and the future all looking great. I would spend money and generally get myself into financial difficulties. With the wisdom of hindsight this was obviously the Hyper manic phase of Bi-Polar Disease - which explains many of my life choices as well as the depressive side.
hi - i came here 2 read ur experience of being bipolar - I didn't realise it "creeps" I tend to only and very luckily experience the mild highs, though I don't really notice sometimes that I'm getting louder and more odd, unfortuantely everyone else does, and my panic attacks are rather annoying atmo, paranoia etc - only prob is lol I been to my doctor and she said I was too articulate 2 be bipolar and I tried to explain that I was fine when I was there she didn't really listen, but the only problem I have is that I'm so confused - I mean my little "blips" only last about an hour or so - or sometimes less - but I'm in my late teens and am curious to know if thats what happened to you at first? - if you don't mind me asking. sorry I don't know who else to turn to, - if you could offer any advice it wud b v nice - sorry about the v long comment .
Posted by: jinks | 05/23/2007 at 01:06 AM
thank you1
Posted by: Calvin Klein | 09/08/2011 at 04:04 AM