Some negative spin... on my life.

STUMBLE Me

Head is full of utter despair... way to go Negative Thoughts. Way to go total and utter self loathing and unworthiness...

Come of the meds month or so ago, do not believe for one moment any longer that THAT Bipolar Tag is at all relevant. I have rebelled, call it 'standing up for your self and believing what you have really believed from the first moment the doc suggested the BP thing'. Two years of mind numbing, thought suffocating drugs.

Miserable, down, low, dejected, self absorbed, guilt, overwhelmed, hopelessly faithless, unmotivated, unimpressed, terrified... And yes, most at the same time. My thoughts are racked with hopelessness.

 

Tears are common, rapid. Cry at odd things. Memories or just events, or thoughts. The way someone looks at me or talks to me, makes me cry.

Anger, sheer rage. At the lawnmower hitting a stone, hurling it 5foot into the fence. Usual day to day goings on. Shattered glasses on the wall, broken banister railings-all 6 of them.

Had enough frankly of this continual roundabout of self doubts... self doubts about me and who I am, if im liked or tolerated. Doubts over the very things I think, the way I interact or dont interact. Second, third and fourth guessing most things I think, feel and do or not do.

Nothing is calm in my head, nothing is just 'ok'.

Head is down when out and about, do not encourage people to talk to me should they feel the need to idly chit chat. I can make myself most unapproachable. Often the cap comes out, full down over my face. Feel a little more secure like that.

Music, I love, or at least to love music. Everywhere I went, everything I did, music. Now nothing. Silence. Everywhere. It's all I can manage. Plus I don't believe I deserve to listen to something that I once loved. Dont feel I deserve it, dont want to tempt the possibility that I might feel the urges of liking what Im hearing. So I have banished it. Don't deserve it.

Fun. What? THought I deserved to have a bit of fun, and finally purchased a surf kayak the other week. Well, what the fuck was I thinking? All i do now is look at it with contempt and anger. Like I could afford this thing, no fucking way. Yet there it is, reminding me how utterly useless I am with money, and now I feel that I most certainly do not deserve to now use it, for fear of possibly enjoying something. What WAS i thinking, really. Now it lays there teasing and goading me, that constant reminder to what is so messed up with me. Trying again to by myself out of this place, really thinking that it would make all the difference. Familiar pattern in my life. Nothing about being Bi fukcing polar and spend spend spend, nothing to do with that at all. Wish it was, wish I could use that particular sympton as a excuse for myself, but that would be naive and utterly wrong. I just don't learn. The quick fix scenario, utterly flawed.

Can't tolerate being inside and alone, yet struggle to be outside with people. Trapped.
How about a unmitigated failure, someone that just does not seem to learn by mistakes. Naive beyond doubt I think I am, full of shit.

The drugs I feel are responsible for actually numbing me to reality, therefore I am now in big shit. Off the drugs and I can see as clearly as I have ever done, I cut through the usual day to day shit. I don't tolerate life, I cant handle modern living. It overwhelms me and it frightens me. I can't support myself, financially. I can't work for anyone, two years of being self employed makes you feel that way. Two years of thinking that you are living a good balance of work and life... when that eventually collapses, you realise how utterly crawl life can be.

Work for someone? Duh. Can't even work for me. Reliable? right. I am a liability, always have been. Always been different, most boses can't handle my particular outlook on life... its called never being able to suck up, laugh at and show respect for a undeniable bulying controlling narcissistic pig. I have had that in most jobs, ergo, I will not allow myself to ever go there again. If I think I am hollow of soul now, that would simply be worse than that. Ergo... Trapped.

Told I SHOULD be on Meds, I know I can't. Ergo... Trapped.

Desperate to run away... in any way I can. But I can't, can't deal with the life and thoughts I have, daily. No to run away usually means coming back, back to.... this. Being the realistic son of a bitch, know that would just prolong or pause the eventuality of being back here. Ergo... Trapped.

NO desire to start over, no more therapy, no more private health care. Talk about debts, talk about enormous amounts of money I ploughed into getting better from whatever I was told I had, thousands and thousands of pounds. For what, I am here and it has simply made things worse for me in every sense. Now I have no money and no means to support myself, with no real motivation to live with these constant dark thoughts in my head, there is only so much anyone can or should be expected to live like that.

Im tired beyond words, tired of constantly having to, feeling the need to or being asked to, once again explain why I feel so rotton, why I said what I said, why I feel this way, the things I have not done or should of done,

Tired of not knowing who the fuck I really am, not trusting anything I think or feel. Tired of just being here again and just being.

Resentful of most things, mostly me and past actions. Foolish to believe I could make myself better, then was there anything wrong wit h me. Constantly feeling sorry for myself, always labeling myself, like its an excuse. Bollocks. Its a curse, people respond to it, usually in a negative way, which can only affect your own moral, struggle to keep it above the water line.

I have let some talents of mine fall by the way-side over the last two years. The one thing that I really could call something that defines me, something that I was good at. I have let is slide to a point where I feel that it is hopeless to pick up. Feel to far gone, to much time elapsed. I have ignored my real self, at least in terms of 'what I did', the thing that used to earn me money, the one thing that allowed me some sense of self worth, sense of pride at being able to make it on my own in life.

I always give up, always let things slide, always quick to pass  on to something else. I look at the things I thought I could have done over the last year, had I kept to it possibly could a different story now. Now I cant, now I don't have the luxury of time to start over again. Already tried several times the last few years, any idea how much energy that uses. How hard it is to start over, the uncertainness of it all? Now I have nothing to fall back on, nothing in reserve. Ergo... Trapped.

Always looking at myself as unwell and 'must be something wrong with me'. Maybe there isn't, Maybe this is just who I am.

Who knows, if it is, I despise myself. If it's not me, then ergo. I feel trapped. Let down again by science, let down again by false hope, let down again by trying so fucking hard to rise above it. Seeing my whole life disappear into a void, loosing and throwing away my soul and any thing I htough I might have worked hard to acquire. THought it was a novelty, the whole breakdown, diagnosis thing. Rubbish... Two years on and I feel worse than ever, more bitter and more full of despair than ever. Thing is, I see things clearly, I see things for what and how they are. Things are bad... I cannot carry on just hoping things will turn out OK, fooling myself that its all been a positive learning curve, that you grow stronger for it.

Sure. Im stronger, if you can call it that. Now i can go out with my friends and find it 'easier' to put a brave face on. Then they all no doubt think I am 'doing ok', so when I actually mention that Im not, I feel a fraud. Who can trust me, one minute I appear OK, next they are having to take my word that I am miserable as hell. Then I feel guilty, that if I can smile or laugh when intoxicated with my friends, why can't I just try harder every other minute of every day. I get confused, guilt creeps in. Reluctant to talk to anyone, dont want to bring any one else down to my usual level and mostly I am just TIRED of talking about how 'odd/unwell/miserable/tormented' I am most of the time.

Tired tired tired. When i do talk I feel guilty and worse, talk about a constant reminder of the stuff that you can't really escape anyway. Ironically, if thats the right word, the people I am open with, the people that I do talk to, shout at, express my utter despair and anger with, are the ones that I cannot show any emotion to, these are people I should be the opposite with.

Emotionally I have shut down, nothing to give because I don't feel it. And thats something I just cannot fake, even if was to make someone else feel better. I feel cold inside.

But why is that? It's because they see me for who I truly am, the person I despise, for me to know that they have seen me like that makes me squirm. I hate myself more, yet they say they want me to talk to them, yet when I do, I see the pain in their faces, the  misery that I bring them. Totally damned if I do and utterly damned if i dont. Which of course brings me tremendous amount of guilt and self loathing. But one thing I have recently realised, is that I am resentful to these people that try to be there for me. I resent them seeing the 'real' me, I resent them trying to help me, because they cannot. I resent myself for allowing myself to not be stronger when in their company. I am a man, apparently, yet I feel anything but. I feel a fool and worse, feel unworthy to be around. I have gone past feeling sorry for myself, its more bitter than that.

Overwhelmed with modern life. I look at everything with such complexity, what should be simple things. The daily list is huge and when I wake from my slumber and start stiring, the reality hits me like a freight train: post, washing, showering, walking dog, ebay, bills and letters, housework, dust and hairs, washing up, garden, dog shit, excersise, even eating... all these things generally overwhelm me to one degree or another. There are more... Half the time I don't know when to do and what to do and fall in the trap of leaving things which brings in the guilt because there is NOTHING that CAN be left. All the preceding points NEED to be seen to... i get overwhelmed  with it all. Always have done to a degree. Resent that life is so actually fucking predictable. I listen to friends who seem to just get on with life, the mundane crap, the chores and they have smiles on their faces. Who's mad? Sometimes I wonder If Im the only one that see's through this shit or actually gives a damn about how all these things just waste out lives. Please don't give me the usual, its life, its what we all have to do... buggar off. Still doesn't make one have to accept it. For the last two years I have seen the alternative to this daily predictable grind, the withering away of ones freedom to such soul sucking aspects of modern life. Yet the more you see it the more you want to fight it. Unless you have money, considerably money, you are Trapped in this life.

I probably have more respect for what it is to have a life than a lot of people. Cutting through the crap is a curse in many ways, because you cannot really do anything about it. I used to remember how really fucking depressed I would get traveling to and from work every day, the shite that i DID put up with for years, the continual bullying and wonder, is this my life for the next 40 years? Move on mate, join the rest of us. Sure, you can go on a nice holiday, go to the pub yada yada yada, but all the time half your life, or more is sleeping, working and doing chores it makes me wonder why the heck...

I do have moments of calm and peace: reading books and sitting or walking in nature. Reading DOES take my mind off stuff, so I read like a demon. Watching a movie affords me peace in my head. These are not complicated things, they are simple things. I actually don't need much to be content, but I can't even experience this most of the time. People might say that I am always wasting money, spending it on clothes and other crap. True to a degree, but its these things that I feel I am desperate to define what little personality I feel I have.I am different, I am unique... but I do always feel the need to make this a point, for me and for others. It's like I am afraid of becoming usual and normal, being sucked up into the abyss of sameness, that terrifies me. So clothes, they help define me and I feel comfortable, clothes are important to me in many ways, mostly just personal. Same with music although right now that has just gone by the way side, which I do feel is like a aching hole in my side, All this is great when you earn when you have savings and can be proud that you are supporting yourself, I am seeing that disappear now to. Ergo... Trapped. Things I need and want to do JUST to experience some contentment I cannot through lack of money or guilt that I now cannot really afford to go for that one more coffee and read more of my book. Its cruel, at least for me.

What's particularly sad is that it all comes down to money. I have spent thousands and thousands on my so called illness in one way or another, money I thought was well spent, but really couldn't afford to waste. Desperate to beat it, keen to do anything and everything to not have to suffer such debilitating depression. Yet now I cannot give myself that level of commitment. THe cost of eating healthily, the vitamins and supplements, swimming, medications, private consultants and therapy is such a huge drain. I see this all now sinking, all that money sort of gone to waste because its not the sort of thing you can or should stop once in midflow, other wise it takes a hold again, swiftly and strongly. Ergo... Trapped.

Basically though, I am tired of it all. Just tired-not just physically, but more worryingly mentally-no, mentally is wrong as well, just see defeat in everything I look at, see having to try harder yet again, more determination to once more fight this depression, and not just depression but now the other significant factors in my life. The very things that make me a man, I do not have and have lost, not once but several times over. Pride. Is this my life for however long I am on his planet, always haveing to worry when it will happen again, having to accept that life IS not what I want. Its not right to have these thoughts day in and day out, almost minute in and minute out. No, its not fair. No energy or will to start over or pick up the pieces. The fight has been hard to be honest and now I feel the effects of it. I see it looming over me like a slow creeping tidal wave, picking up height just to smother you all the more. Constantly I do look at not wanting to go through it any more, I don't want to die. I don't. But equally, I can't carry on, or keep carrying on, or keep expecting it to happen again-usually worse. There are no answers. Medication I will refuse, therapy I cannot go through again, I don't have the patience or will to got through that again, not to mention the fucking money it costs. Feel Trapped again...

So what has experience and wisdom, harvested over the last two years of battling the breakdown, so called Bipolar, immense personal challenges, pro active in getting better, self help, nutritional education, trying hard to allow the drugs to just sculpt me, putting up with downright hideous side-affects, trying time and time again to not fail taught me? Hard to say...

Comments

[Lisa]

Hi

I just wanted to say that you don't bring misery to people, the pain you see on their faces is because they love you and want to help you but they feel helpless because they dont know what they can do to help.

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, the things that have happened over the last year would effect anyone badly, and none of us would deal with it. Yes you are strong and yes you do need to take it one day at a time and no you shouldn't feel guilty when you do enjoy things, and something that makes you smile is worth it, no guilt needed!

Lots of love x

[Pat S]

Graham,

First off, yesterday I was happy to have seen a post from your blog appear in my rss reader - it has been a long while.

This post is intense and I feel your pain as you described it so authentically. I can relate first hand to your "end of the rope" interpretation of your current life experience. It seems to me like you are living through a shift in your thinking in what it means to live as a man with the label of bi-polar - I have been there. Man, I know so well the frustration, anger, suffering and hopelessness the you write about.

I just wanted you to know I not only read this post but I have heard what you are saying. We are strangers but I am thinking about you - and quite frankly, praying for you to grow in your perspective and receive peace of mind. Email me if you'd like.

[Graham Smith]

Pat
I haev to say I was stunned to get a reply. Havnt been able to think about the Blog recently, have wanted to but just couldnt.

So yesterday I just wrote, really for myself. Figuring its been so long that no one would find the post. Just to hear you say you had me in the RSS reader sort of astounds me, why would you do that? That kind of really lacking in self worth just touches every thing dun it...

Well, thank you for your words. Thank you.

[Calvin Klein]

thank you1

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