A Lucid Mind - Bipolar, Photographs, Life, Blogs and eBay

GrahamsBlog lives on-The Bipolar and Depression Blog

Hell, I never thought leaving GrahamsBlog to die would be so hard. I have been sent a number of emails asking why on earth would I want to close it down. Even after not really attending to it for so many months.

Since I have been concentrating on ImJustCreative, I have found that it was not really appropriate for me to talk about such personal thoughts and feelings to do with Mental Health, Bipolar and Depression. There are people who frown upon this, and as ImJustCreative, is my freelance venture, I needed to compartmentalize the professional from the personal to a degree.

Its like Groundhog day, but not really.

STUMBLE Me

Everywhere around me, reminds me of everything I just cannot escape from or work with or accept. Where I sleep, where I live, where I run and walk, where I cycle, where I drink, where I... .just am.

Seaford's becoming like a roundabout to me now, or my own GroundHog Day special.

Things that I have experienced and suffered in the last year especially, all documented on here, significantly my Fathers death, are not allowing me to move on. I am trapped in the same emotions of resentment, anger, hatred that I had when I experienced them at the time.

It's like I am stuck on some DVD scene selector, constantly revisiting the same scenes and emotions... and taking the emotions with me, which ofcourse only get more stronger, the more you allow them to fester yada yada yada.

All these rantings are just the tip of the iceberg, there is stuff I just cannot talk about. That terrifies me.

I want out. End of, move on, move out... I do, I really do. But apparently I cannot. It's put up or shut-up so it would clearly seem right now. Put up with it like everyone else, your not so special.

 

The Free Spirit Curse...

STUMBLE Me

The joke is, although I consider myself a free spirit I am far from it. Suffocating in your own view of what it is to be alive. Trapped and caged somewhere you really dont quite belong.

These self-help books have actually been a massive fucking nuisance... all this 'be in the now' crap. I've been in the now for the last two years and now Im fucked because of it. Am confused...

Some negative spin... on my life.

STUMBLE Me

Head is full of utter despair... way to go Negative Thoughts. Way to go total and utter self loathing and unworthiness...

Come of the meds month or so ago, do not believe for one moment any longer that THAT Bipolar Tag is at all relevant. I have rebelled, call it 'standing up for your self and believing what you have really believed from the first moment the doc suggested the BP thing'. Two years of mind numbing, thought suffocating drugs.

Miserable, down, low, dejected, self absorbed, guilt, overwhelmed, hopelessly faithless, unmotivated, unimpressed, terrified... And yes, most at the same time. My thoughts are racked with hopelessness.

 

It's been a while....

STUMBLE Me
Hasn't felt right adding to the Blog since my Father passed away. It has been a terribly upsetting and painful few months and to be honest, it's getting worse. The grief is beyond words...

Everytime, and I mean everytime I have gone back to look at my Blog tears and deep sadness fill me. Its a huge shock every time, to see the photos of him smiling, then to see those words "RIP". It's not right, not right at all.

This morning after righting this post, I look at the fact that this post is above my Dad and a HUGE sense of guilt hits me, like why am I shunting Dad out of the top spot. It really is hard. Almost like I don't want to move on or lose the memory of him, but want to lose the memory of loseing him. Its all really f••••d up...

 

Night Terrors, f••••d Bipolar Withdrawal symptons or could it be 'just' life

STUMBLE ME
This last week, I have been experiencing pretty disturbing dreams that end up me doing stuff out of bed, asleep but not. If that makes sense. I know of these things called Night Terrors, but looking into what they actually are and the behaviors they are responsible for.

Do you trust me? I trust you!

STUMBLE Me
I am thinking that when we are asked this or we tell someone this, do we actually have any idea what it is we are really saying? Are both parties assuming and thinking about the same thing, to what degree of trust does it imply? how serious or how silly do we take this perception of trust.

Who needs Social Links blodgets, wodgets like 'Twitter'? I don't

I am going out to get 'pist' with my friends now. And plan to drink way too much. Time 8.15pm.

That's what I would of Twittered, instead im Blogging it. Far more effective.

Thanks.

Just a HUGE almighty ‘hug’ to Mary Ann

Thank you maryannaville

Just a mention to say many thanks for all the input and great advice you have been giving us over the last few weeks. And just your kind words and moral support... :)

I have acted on every suggestion (so far), so they are more than appreciated.

Thank you,

On: Being Viciously Attacked walking the Dog - Further Bipolar Mental Health Discrimination & Prejudice

Stumble Me

Today opens up old wounds, mostly emotional at a time when I really do not desire further challenges.

I detail briefly what happened that evening, but the main point of this post is to highlight the way I was and am being treated by the Police due to my Bipolar, that I am not 'fit' enough to give evidence without a 'Appropriate Adult'. This is a statutory necessity, that any adult with a Mental Illness cannot, without a Appropriate Adult, give statements or evidence to the Police.

Skip to last year.

Whilst walking my dog through town about 9.30 on a Saturday evening. I had gone to get a DVD and some munchies.

I was attacked, beat up, assaulted, punched, thumped, kicked by a gang of 8 youths. This was in the main High Street, at what should of been a busy time with Police, drinkers and people around.